Choti Mata had an epiphany while
shaking off her post Holi stupor. She needed to blog. And so, Choti Mata is
back, this time talking about pointlessness of burning bras and the importance
of the idea of ‘saying no’, even when it is not about sexual advances.
Choti Mata doesn’t advocate
bra-burning feminism. Because it is a misguided epithet. And because bras are
expensive. But Choti Mata is all in for reasoned feminism—you know the one that
does not mindlessly label all male species of the planet as vicious,
uncivilized creatures with only one properly functioning organ and a sinister,
destructive, violent agenda against everything that moves and is referred to as
‘she’. Because that too is a misguided,
oversimplified generalization. Because Choti Mata hates a lot of things—and bigotry tops that list. And because it is hardly prudent to antagonize
what constitutes half the population of this planet.
Also because Choti Mata thinks male
species, at least the human one, is needed. For business. And for pleasure.
That being said, there are things
that are bothersome—within and without the realms of feminism. It is
unfortunate that because realms of feminism sometimes overlap with realms of
reasonable expectations—it is easy to dismiss even reasonable expectations as
frustrated, pointless tirades of feminist hags. Because nothing is classier
than putting those people down who dare to raise their voices for their
legitimate rights.
So there are things that bother
us as right thinking individuals—feminist moorings notwithstanding. Like our right to say ‘no’. Or the lack of
it. And I am not even talking about advances—sexual or otherwise. I am still
stuck on the decisions that pertain to our life—like what I would like to have
for dinner? Of who would I like to marry and spend the rest of my life with?
An acquaintance was recently
gushing about a girl he knew who was so
obedient, she did not even bother meeting her ‘would be’ husband chosen by
her family before marriage. Because you know, father knows the best and if he
is happy, so is she.
I think this was the point of the
conversation where I was supposed to say something appropriate in response. Or
at least make some approving sound. I couldn’t. I was too busy trying not to
gag.
Completely ignoring the fact that
this scenario sounds like it had been ripped from some legendary Govinda movie
of the 80s, it was downright disturbing. And distasteful. And so totally
disrespectful of the times we say we are living in—the times of education and
opportunities; of freedom and independence; of choices and basic rights to
live. The times I am talking about of course are limited to a certain set of
people belonging to a certain strata of the society—the urban, educated one.
But that is hardly relevant—because the trigger for this post belongs to this
very strata while still choosing to behave as if they were stuck in one of the
villages Shyam Benegal used to make movies about. Or the ones that exist in the
real World and think Khap is more powerful than Barak Obama. (Maybe, in their
part of the Universe, it is. But that is not the point).
The ability to ‘say no’ is an
inherent part of the idea of choice—the idea that is the core of all
empowerment. A society that chooses to glorify ‘not saying no’ as a virtue is a
society condemning itself to perpetual regression. Unfortunately, it is exactly
the kind of society that largely thrives around us. The society where ‘love
marriage’ is still a hush word.
This is not an arranged marriage
versus love marriage debate. Marriage per
se is a touchy topic. Especially for Choti Mata. She might need at least 10
other such post before she gets it entirely out of her system. But that is for
later.
Both love and arranged marriage
have their own merits and demerits. The arranged marriage scenario is simply an
illustration for a prevalent decision making process in our lives—be it the
kind of education we should have to the kind of person we should marry. This
certainly doesn’t imply that families should not have a say in our decisions.
Families have best intentions and our best interest in their heart (unless of
course the family is dysfunctional. Or watches too many Sitcoms) and are often
an asset in crucial decision making processes. But ultimately, it is our life.
We should have a say. A choice. And it should be recognized as a virtue. Not
vice. This is a gender neutral aspect of this idea. Because believe it or not,
familial and societal pressure are actually a huge issue for men too. Maybe not
as huge as women. But still huge. And considering that the idea of choice is
all encompassing, it has to address everyone.
Coming back to the point of
feminism and women, amidst the hue and cry about any and everything concerning
women empowerment, the subtle aspects often get left behind. The aspects that
play out in perfectly well meaning, educated, loving families. Just because they are still stuck with an
image of a ‘good girl’ that was hard to digest even in the 60s. The one that
says a ‘good girl’ knows her house chores, keeps everyone in the family happy,
is always prim, proper, appropriate and of course, is supremely obedient.
There goes my gag reflex again.
Not saying that those qualities
are not desirable. Maybe they are. Maybe they are not. It is a matter of
individual choice. And that is the whole point. I don’t mind being the ‘good
girl’. I would just like to have a choice about whether I want to or not.
Besides, who said I could not be all of the above and still not have aspects
that are wild, improper, unconventional…disobedient.
Because hell we are educated. We
are independent. Quite a lot of us are holding out pretty fine in what they
call ‘a man’s world’. The last thing you should want us to be is to be
prototypes. Of a model that had gone obsolete the year it was created. Just
because you think it is appropriate. Safe.
Who is to say that simply because
we do not fit in a set of prototypes, we will not be able to accomplish what
‘good girls’ traditionally do? What exactly makes everyone out there presume
that just because we break stereotypes, we will not be able to build great
families, great societies and everything else that we think needs to be done?
Besides, even if we don’t fulfill
our traditional roles, we will at least be leading happy and productive lives—lives
that may prove far more valuable to the society than our hankered, subdued,
tied down versions ever could be.
The bottom-line, however, is
simple. And it is not about the society or its beliefs. It is far more
intimate. It is about family. Families that glorify ‘not saying no’ as a
desirable virtue for the female members. Families that don’t think being strong
and smart is a worthwhile aspiration for their women.
The only answer to a regressive
society is a non-regressive family. The family that can teach its women to
fight and survive. To make it count. A society may not be open to change—but if
families are, we will have a lot of ground covered. And have a lot of hope for
the future.
Ultimately, if you preen at the
idea of your obedient daughter submitting to your every command now; you better
be prepared to preen when she quietly subjects herself to domestic violence,
never saying a word. Or when she bears with ill-treatment and molestation
without ever standing up for herself.
Because it was you who taught her
never to raise a voice. Because it was you who taught her that standing up
against what is wrong is unacceptable. Because it was you who taught her that
staying silent is her only resort.
Because it was you who taught her
that ‘saying no’ is a bad thing.
